26. How ADHD Affects your Relationships

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Navigating romantic relationships can be challenging for anyone, but for individuals with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), these challenges can be tough to overcome. A recent study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology sheds light on how ADHD symptoms can impact romantic relationship functioning. It highlights the emotional toll that these challenges can take.

The study by Michelle F. Sherman, Lisa M. Diamond, and Brooke S. Wierenga surveyed 136 adults to examine the association between ADHD symptoms and relationship satisfaction.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that can cause people to have difficulty paying attention, controlling impulsive behaviors, and staying organized. ADHD can impact all areas of a person's life, including their relationships.

To learn about this fascinating study, how ADHD might affect your romantic relationships, and what can be done to remedy a rocky romance on the count of ADHD, stay tuned!

This week I will be discussing a topic that is very popular in the ADHD realm, and I should be debuting it on Valentine's Day, but here we are. Today's episode is about how neurodivergence can affect your romantic relationship.

In a study about ADHD and romantic relationships, participants completed a series of self-report measures that assessed ADHD symptoms, relationship satisfaction, and specific areas of relationship functioning, such as communication, intimacy, and emotional support.

The study's results paint a complex and nuanced picture of the challenges faced by individuals with ADHD in romantic relationships. 

While some participants reported positive aspects of their relationships, such as emotional closeness and shared interests, many reported experiencing significant difficulties related to their ADHD symptoms.

One theme from the study was the impact of ADHD symptoms on communication within relationships. Participants with ADHD reported struggling to stay focused during conversations, being easily distracted, and having trouble following the flow of a conversation. This made it difficult for them to engage in meaningful dialogue with their partners, leading to frustration, isolation, and disconnection.

Have you ever been talking with your partner or anyone, and it felt like you were being drained of your energy as the words entered your ears? Do you feel so weak that you must exert willpower to stop slumping over? 

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When I read this, I thought about a scene from the Wayans Brothers movie, White Chicks. In hindsight, I can't understand why that movie isn't offensive. As a black man living in 2023, I'm much more uncomfortable watching two grown men wear white faces, but that's beside the point.

There's a scene in that movie where Marlon Wayans, a detective, has relationship problems. He works all the time, and his girlfriend is fighting for his attention after a long day on the job to have an intimate heart-to-heart talk. He promises he's ready to talk, so the tired cop sits in a chair, but he repeatedly falls asleep when she starts talking.

She yells at him and asks if he's falling asleep, and he says "no." Immediately after that, he nods off again and even starts to drool. This is what it feels like for me sometimes. That was one theme taken from this study.

Another emerging theme was the impact of ADHD symptoms on emotional support within relationships. Participants with ADHD reported struggling to provide emotional support to their partners, particularly during stress or conflict. They also reported feeling unsupported by their partners and struggling to communicate their emotional needs effectively.

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I'm ashamed to say that this also can be a struggle for me in relationships. Part of ADHD is an inability to feel certain sensations or emotions like neurotypical people fully.

That's because of the way ADHD affects the brain chemistry. Feelings like dopamine determine how motivated we feel and give support to our willpower. Serotonin acts as a reward for working upon the drive from dopamine to accomplish tasks.

Being attentive and caring in a relationship is just as chemical as physical. When you walk around with a lower baseline to feel excited or motivated, it makes sense that people with ADHD could have difficulty maintaining relationships. There's no neurochemical incentive and little reward for doing the work.

A third theme that emerged was the impact of ADHD symptoms on intimacy within relationships. Participants with ADHD reported struggling to engage in physical intimacy, such as sex, due to difficulties with focus and impulsivity. They also said struggling to maintain emotional intimacy and feel disconnected or distracted during intimate moments with their partners.

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This could go many different ways. I can see where some people battling neurodivergence may be too in their heads to be present enough to engage in physical intimacy, and that's one scenario.

The other scenario is they could be hypersexual in relationships. Meaning they use sex as a way to stimulate the chemical that comes about from arousal. Compared to using drugs, sex can become a way for someone with attention disorders to feel alive but not to be a lovingly engaged and attentive partner. This could also lead to cheating and infidelity. 

These themes highlight the emotional toll ADHD can take on individuals and their relationships. Participants with ADHD reported feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and misunderstood by their partners and struggled to find effective strategies for managing their symptoms within their relationships.

Despite these challenges, however, many participants also reported feeling resilient and determined in their relationships. They expressed a desire to work through their difficulties with their partners and find ways to support each other in their journey together.

Overall, the study provides valuable insights into the impact of ADHD on romantic relationships and underscores the need for targeted interventions and support for individuals with ADHD and their partners. By focusing on the emotional and relational experiences of individuals with ADHD, the study highlights this disorder's complex and multifaceted nature and the importance of empathy, understanding, and support in navigating romantic relationships with ADHD.

How ADHD can impact relationships

Based on the summary of that study, there are several unusual ways ADHD can impact relationships. Some of the most common challenges include:

• Communication: People with ADHD may struggle to communicate their thoughts and feelings and may also have trouble listening to others and understanding their points of view.

• Organization: People with ADHD may have difficulty staying organized. This can make keeping track of appointments, bills, and other vital tasks challenging and make it hard to keep a clean and tidy home.

• Impulsivity: People with ADHD may act impulsively without thinking things through. This can lead to them making rash decisions that they later regret, and it can also lead to them saying or doing something that hurts their loved ones.

• Distractibility: People with ADHD may be easily distracted. This can make focusing on conversations, tasks, or activities difficult and lead to them forgetting things or missing essential details.

• Emotional dysregulation: People with ADHD may have difficulty regulating their emotions, leading to them overreacting to situations or becoming easily frustrated or angry.

Tips for managing ADHD in relationships

If you have ADHD, there are several things you can do to manage the disorder and improve your relationships. Some of the most helpful tips include:

• Get treatment: If you have not been diagnosed with ADHD, it is essential to get a diagnosis from a mental health professional. Once diagnosed, you can start treatment, including medication, therapy, or a combination.

• Be open and honest with your partner: It is essential to be open and honest with your partner about your ADHD; this will help them understand your challenges and how they can support you.

• Communicate clearly: People with ADHD may have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings. It is vital to practice clear and concise communication with your partner.

• Be organized: People with ADHD may have difficulty staying organized. It is essential to find strategies to help you stay organized, such as using a planner, setting reminders, and creating a system to track crucial tasks.

• Avoid distractions: People with ADHD may be easily distracted. Finding ways to avoid distractions, such as turning off your phone, working in a quiet space, and setting aside specific times for tasks, is essential.

• Learn to manage your emotions: People with ADHD may have difficulty regulating their emotions. It is essential to learn how to manage your feelings healthily. This may involve identifying triggers, practicing relaxation techniques, and seeking professional help.

Photo by Sebastian Arie Voortman

Conclusion

ADHD can be challenging, but having healthy and fulfilling relationships is not impossible. Following the tips above, you can improve your communication, organization, and emotional regulation skills, which will help you build stronger relationships with your loved ones.

I hope you enjoyed this one. Much love, D.C. out!